Before time began, there was The Cube. We know not where it comes from, only that it has the power to create worlds and fill them with life.
In the beginning, there was nothingness. This void was filled with nothing and encircled with a hard, yet crunchy shell of nothing . The Great Cube came from another place that was already very old and created something out of the nothingness. Both positive and negative energy was manifest, in equal proportions, and it filled the darkness and transformed it and caused it to expand in all the directions of The Cube. It expanded side-to-side and up-and-down and back-and-forth. The Cube watched as energies combined and saw that the expanding firmament was good, although it was very hot and dense and dark and nothing could actually be seen. It was then, that all that is and was and ever shall be was created, on the first day.
On the second day, not much happened.
And, thus on the third and fourth day, not much happened either.
On the fifth and sixth days, still not much worth mentioning. It was all good, really really good, but kind of boring. Thus the firmament continued expanding for many many days, and as it grew it cooled and not much else happened.
On the one-hundred thirty-five million and seventh day, light spread across the darkness of the firmament. There was no one around to see that it was good, but it was a pretty good day, as days went back then. The Cube saw that the firmament was vast and growing vaster. The Cube knows all, and sees all, and knew it would take three thousand times as long for the first stars to shine and even longer for more interesting things to happen, so, being tired, The Cube took a well-deserved vacation for a few billion years.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, The Cube returned from his vacation and saw that a huge number of stars and planets had formed out of the firmament. He filled the planets with all sorts of creatures, great and small. He filled oceans with fish, and skies with birds and the land was covered in grasses and trees and flowers and different sorts of fungus, some of which was toxic when ingested in large quantities. He created huge worms that swam through oceans of sand, and on another world he created a race of morons that lived under the seas. One planet had nothing but spiders. Another had talking apes. The Cube was not satisfied and smote them all.
The Great Cube watched as the firmament grew, and he turned one face upon the clouds and caused them to turn. Another face caused stars to shine. Another face caused planets to form out of dust and ice. Another created the skies. Another filled the oceans. Another breathed life into the elements. This face looked out across the vastness of space and time and shone its grace upon the earth and created fish and lizards and flies and penguins and dinosaurs and bears and kittens and ferns and wolves and trees and flowers and worms and lobsters and ponies and man. Man was created with three dimensions and a face, in the image of The Cube, yet because man was much less magnificent than The Great Cube, he only had one face, instead of six, and he was much less pointy.
The man he called Al, and he made him from dust and unicorn tears.Â The man was hairy, like an ape, but not quite as hairy and clearly not at all related to apes, despite obvious similarities. Al posessed all the qualities that a man should have. The man was perfect, but he was alone. The Great Cube gave him a dog as a companion, and this made the man happy, for a while. The Cube gave the man a beautiful oasis to live in, filled with all the foods that would please him: pommagranites, melons, figs, seeded and seedless grapes. As well as juices and fresh water without bubbles. The man was still not satisfied. The Cube created the tasy creatures: pigs, goats, deer, otters, sheep, cows and rabbits. The Cube gave the man a magical lighter that he could use to build fires and roast the animal flesh. The man was now fat and happy, and he became very friendly with the sheep. The Cube saw that his creation was good, but the man had made quite a mess and did not clean up after himself. So, The Cube created woman.
Woman was created to be a companion to man, and to make him complete. Woman needs man, and man must have his mate; this no one can deny. Woman was also much tidier than man, and had an eye for decorating. The Cube called the first woman Peg, and was pleased with his creation. Peg would spend her days picking up after Al, and feeding him grapes (of the seedless kind, which he preferred) and slices of pomegranate by the fountain of life. The oasis was garden-like and large, and it was filled with happy creatures that were both pleasant to the eye and to the palette, especially when roasted over an open fire. The man and woman were happy, and lived a good life and explored their similarities and differences for hours at a time. The Great Cube saw that they were happy and realized they would be much happier if he made himself known, so he planned how he would reveal himself to them.
The Great Cube thought long and hard about revealing himself to Al and Peg. He knew that their bliss would only be multiplied if they could worship him. He decided to allow them to reproduce, so that there would be many humans to worship him. But, he knew that the oasis (which was a garden), would not be large enough for all these people and the temples they would build in His name, so he devised a contest that he knew Al could not refuse, yet could not win. He would need to manifest himself in a smaller and human-like form, with only one face, so he would not frighten the man and woman and the beasts that were abundant by his greatness and pointiness. He chose the form of man, yet he decided he should be somewhat taller and older and have long flowing white hair and a big staff made of gnarled wood. He would wear garments that he called clothing, which would cover his anatomical correctness, yet give every indication that he was much better endowed than Al. He knew that Al and Peg would be impressed if he could float on clouds, wearing clothing that was elegant, yet tasetful, as he waived his large staff and performed magical acts. Thus, he would convince them that he was their creator and they would be sure to worship him. Thus was the first part of his plan.
On the day of the revealing, Al and Peg were taking a long walk in the oasis (which was a garden). The Cube appeared to them in the form of an 45-year old man, who was well-dressed and fit and virile with a large gnarled staff. The Cube was dashing in his white robe, with flowing silver locks and his glory glowed radiantly. His skin was clearly white, yet he had a very dark tan as though he could afford to take long, island vacations. His breath smelled of wintergreen, and he was immaculately groomed.
Todd appeared before the couple and announced in a resounding baritone voice, “Hello, my name is Todd. The Creator. Ye shall fall to thine knees and worship me.” For effect, The Lord Todd pointed at a bush laden with figs and it burst into flames, roasting the figs and making them pungent. In addition, he was tall and his musculature and anatomical correctness was exaggerated sufficiently to give him a mythical appearance, despite there being no actual myths to speak of in those days. He hovered several inches off the ground and grasped his gnarled wooden staff firmly.
Both Al and Peg were aghast, and filled with questions, like, “Who did you say you were, again?” And, “Why did you burn that fig bush?” Yet, they felt quite impressed by his presence and fell to their knees and shook in fear and begged The Lord, Todd, not to smite them.
“Al, I have a challenge for thee,” The Lord Todd thus proclaimed. “As the sun shall rise and fall for a fortnight, thou shallt prove to be the master of thine domain.
“Todd further proclaimed, as means of explanation, “Ye shallt not touch thineself or be touched by thine woman, or I shallt most assuredly throw ye both from the oasis (which was a garden) into the desert to fend for thineselves.”
“Thine be my children, I could not smite thee. Ye are loved more than mine favorite wildebeast, and more than the great tree that is just over there a ways behind that outcropping of rocks,” spake Todd. “Prove ye are the master of thine domain, Al, and I shall keep ye in this oasis (which was a garden) forever, and ye shall never age, and ye shall always be close to my bosom.” The Lord Todd then disappeared, in an obligatory puff of smoke, and Al and Peg looked at one another, both dazed and confused.
“Woman,” said Al to his woman, Peg, “fetcheth me some oasis weed that I may ponder on this strange and wondrous happening.”
Peg wandered off to fetch the oasis weed, from the place where the oasis weed grew, and Al looked yonder in the direction of this tree The Lord seemed to be so impressed with. Al wondered why he’d never noticed such a resplendent and impressive tree before, and decided he should find what was so special about this tree.